When your child has a tantrum, it’s not about being “bad”—it’s a sign they’re feeling overwhelmed and haven’t yet figured out how to work through those big emotions. Tantrums aren’t misbehavior; they’re a way of communicating.
We’ve all been there. When our kids’ emotions run high, staying calm isn’t always easy, but it really can make all the difference. Your steady presence helps them find their way back to calm.
What’s Really Going On During a Tantrum?
When kids have a tantrum, they’re not trying to test limits—they're in survival mode. Their nervous system is dysregulated, often stuck in fight or flight. That’s why saying things like “calm down” usually doesn’t help. In fact, it can make things feel even bigger for them—like they’re not being seen or understood—adding more frustration to what they’re already feeling.
What they really need? Connection. Validation. And co-regulation.
3 Things to Avoid During a Tantrum (And What to Try Instead)
As a parent myself, I always appreciate a clear list of do’s and don’ts. And these strategies aren’t just feel-good ideas—they’re backed by research in child development and neuroscience.
1. Avoid Saying: “Calm down.”
When emotions are already big, hearing “calm down” can feel dismissive. It puts us across from our child instead of beside them. Their stress hormones are already high; adding pressure tends to escalate things rather than soothe.
Instead, try:
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“I can see you’re really upset right now.”
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“Let’s breathe together.” Try simple tools like “smell the flower, blow out the candle,” or animal breaths (lion, bunny, snake) to help regulate their nervous system.
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Offer something tactile like a soft toy or a glitter jar to help ground their senses.
2. Avoid Saying: “You’re overreacting.”
It might seem small to us, but to them, it’s big. Saying they’re overreacting can trigger shame, which lights up the same part of the brain as physical pain. It sends the message their feelings are “too much”—and that’s not what we want them to learn.
Instead, try:
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“Let’s figure it out together.” Use tools like our emotions wheel. Name emotions one by one until your child finds the one that fits. It’s a simple way to calm their nervous system and open up conversation.
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Say: “This feels really hard, huh? I’m here with you.” Those steady, reassuring words go a long way toward helping them regulate.
3. Avoid Saying: “If you don’t stop, I’m leaving.”
We’ve all said things like this—it usually comes from frustration. But this kind of statement can trigger fear or a sense of abandonment, which ramps things up rather than settles them down.
Instead, try:
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“I’m not afraid of your big feelings. I just need a moment to take a breath, and I’ll be right back to help you through this.” Use square breathing to reset yourself first, then come back to help your child name and manage what they’re feeling.
Co-Regulation Is the Goal
Kids aren’t born knowing how to handle emotions. That’s where we come in. When we model calm—taking deep breaths, staying steady—they learn it too.
It shows them: No feeling is too big or scary to sit with. We can handle it together.
Gentle, Helpful Tools You Can Use Anytime
Calm-Down Corner
Create a cozy spot with soft pillows, a blanket, tactile plushies, fidget toys, or books. Not as a timeout or punishment—just a safe place to reset.
Emotion Charts
Help your child put words to what they’re feeling. Visual tools like a “feelings thermometer,” our magnet board and activity set, or our coloring book make it easier (and more fun) for kids to express what’s going on inside.
Deep Breathing Games
Make breathing exercises fun—“smell the flower, blow out the candle” or animal breaths are great ways to help little bodies (and grown-up ones) settle, or encourage intentional breathing by blowing bubbles, or yoga.
You’re Not Alone
Tantrums happen—it’s part of growing up. What matters is how we show up in those moments. The more we help kids feel seen, the more they learn to understand and work through their emotions.
