Why many adults struggle with EQ: The parenting paradox we can change

Picture this: You’re in the middle of a heated moment with your child, who’s having a full-on meltdown. You hear yourself saying, “Just calm down and use your words!” Meanwhile, your own heart is racing, your voice is raised, and you’re feeling completely overwhelmed. 

Here’s the surprising truth — we’re often trying to teach what we never learned ourselves, and moments like these happen in homes everywhere.  If that sounds familiar, you’re far from alone. And the great news? Emotional intelligence (EQ) can be learned at any age.  

The generational gap: Why previous generations missed out on emotional learning 

Most adults today grew up in an era where emotional intelligence wasn't recognized, let alone taught. Our parents and grandparents lived by mantras like: 

These well-meaning phrases often encourage people to suppress, ignore, or dismiss their emotions rather than understand and manage them effectively. 

The result? Many parents today are simultaneously: 

What emotional intelligence really means for adults

Psychologist Daniel Goleman identified several core components of emotional intelligence. In a parenting context, four of these areas tend to be especially important — and often the trickiest to master: 

1. Self-Awareness  

2. Self-Regulation 

3. Empathy 

4. Social Skills 

And here’s the good news: Understanding these four areas doesn’t mean you need to become a “perfect parent” who always handles every moment with flawless emotional intelligence. In fact, some of the most valuable lessons for children come when we don’t get it right the first time. By losing our cool, then calming ourselves, circling back, apologizing, and making repairs, we show our kids that emotional intelligence isn’t about never making mistakes — it’s about learning from them and trying again. 

The unique learning curve for adult brains 

Unlike children, whose brains are highly neuroplastic and quick to adapt, adults often need more intentional effort to create new neural pathways. Building emotional intelligence later in life means unlearning decades-old patterns, practicing new responses in moments of stress, and offering yourself plenty of self-compassion along the way. The encouraging truth is that the adult brain can absolutely rewire — it just takes time, repetition, and conscious practice. 

The learning-while-teaching paradox

Here's the beautiful truth that many parents don't realize: you don't have to be perfect at emotional intelligence to teach it to your children. In fact, learning alongside your kids can be incredibly powerful because: 

Modeling growth mindset 

When children see their parents: 

They learn that emotional growth is a lifelong journey, not a destination. 

Creating authentic connection 

Children connect more deeply with parents who are genuine about their struggles than with those who pretend to have it all figured out. 

Breaking perfectionism cycles 

When parents show vulnerability and imperfection, children learn it's safe to be human and make mistakes. 

Practical steps for adults developing emotional intelligence 

Start with self-compassion 

Practice the pause 

Name your emotions 

Seek support 

Apologize and repair 

The ripple effect: why this matters for future generations 

When adults commit to developing their emotional intelligence, the benefits extend far beyond individual families: 

Moving forward: embracing the journey 

The goal isn't to become the always-composed EQ master overnight! Instead, it’s to grow a little every day by: 

The solution: making emotional learning accessible and fun 

While recognizing the importance of emotional intelligence is the first step, many parents wonder: "How do I actually teach these skills when I'm still learning them myself?" 

This is where structured, research-based tools become invaluable. My Mama Says boxes are evidence-based toolkits designed to help children develop emotional skills through fun, hands-on activities that make emotional learning practical and engaging for the whole family. 

Why My Mama Says boxes bridge the gap 

For parents who are learning alongside their children: 

For Children Who Need Concrete Tools: 

For families building new emotional habits: 

Real impact for real families 

95% of surveyed parents say My Mama Says boxes add real value to their family, and it's easy to see why. When parents have concrete tools and guidance, they feel more confident addressing emotional moments with their children. 

The boxes transform overwhelming moments into learning opportunities. Instead of feeling helpless during a child's meltdown, parents have: 

Breaking the cycle, one box at a time 

What makes these boxes especially powerful for families is the way they create structure for something most of us never had — consistent, intentional emotional learning at home. For many adults, emotional intelligence wasn’t taught in school or modeled in childhood. By engaging in these activities together, parents and children learn the same skills side by side, breaking old patterns and creating a new emotional legacy.  

Conclusion: growing together 

The truth is, many adults are still building emotional intelligence because we were never systematically taught these skills — and that makes us pioneers in rewriting the emotional playbook for the next generation.  

Your children don't need perfect parents; they need growing parents. They need adults who are willing to acknowledge their limitations, work on their emotional skills, and model that learning never stops. 

Whether you're using structured tools like My Mama Says boxes or creating your own family emotional learning experiences, the key is consistency and authentic engagement. As you navigate this journey, remember that every moment of emotional awareness, every pause before reacting, and every authentic apology is laying the groundwork for your child's emotional future.